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Pastor Jay's Blog

How to Leave a church

 

Leaving a church should be a difficult undertaking for multiple reasons. First, it should be difficult because of the questions one needs to answer before leaving. Second, it should be difficult because of the relationships you built within the church. If your leaving is not a very difficult thing, it is because one or both of the above has not been adequately considered. What should a person do before and during a departure? Below are suggestions for how to depart a church in a God honoring way.

1) First, leave only after working with leadership.

The leadership of the church needs to be brought into the loop. A person should not leave before they have had multiple discussions with the leadership of the church concerning the proffered reasons. It is leadership’s calling to shepherd people and direct the life of the church. During your dialogue with leadership certain realities will begin to surface. You may see how the leadership is concerned and intends to address the issue. It may become evident that the leadership is committed to go in a direction that your conscience cannot fully support. If that is the case, and you have been talking with them, it will be no mystery why you are leaving. That is good. A move that comes from heeding one’s conscience after open, honest dialogue with leadership that is informed by Scripture is appropriately humble and submissive.

2) Second, leave only after seeking godly counsel and performing heart checks.

Before leaving a church, you need to probe your reasons and motives. The reality of our sinfulness, the desire to flee conflict, and to avoid complex problems and difficult conversations, means that we will try to leave before we should. You need to bounce the situation and your thoughts off a godly person who is willing and able to tell you the truth. You need someone to confront the fear, bitterness, and slothful attitudes that are often the main reason people leave. You need a faithful saint to remind you of the love Christ has for the church, comprised of messed up local congregations, and that you need to love her the same. Talk through these things with that kind of person. Leave only after you have taken heed to your heart with outside help.

3) Leave without creating division or leaving gossip.

Once any interpersonal issues have been resolved and sufficient time has been given for leadership to address concerns; then it is time to leave. But even your departure will be fraught with dangers. First, there will be a compulsion to bring people with you. Unless there is fearful heresy or some other soul destroying reason, you should not try to bring people with you. That is being divisive. If their conscience has not led them to the same place, your actions will simply be the work of setting people against one another. Additionally, be very sensitive to the dangers of gossip. Gossip is sharing information about others that is not kind or necessary. It is talking about issues when there is no solution-seeking purpose. Since you have been working with the leadership, you can direct people to them for the particulars.

4) Learn how to kindly and honestly answer the question “Why are you leaving?”

People are going to ask. While you can point them to the leadership to fill out the details, it is appropriate to generalize the reason. Tell them the church is going in a direction you aren’t able to journey with, or that you disagree with some of the doctrines that are taught. There is no need to lie, or to launch into a diatribe about the disagreements you have.

5) Giving as much blessing as possible.

Instead of creating division and leaving gossip, seek to leave as a blessing. As stated in the first paragraph, you should have built many relationships in this congregation. Your departure should be a time of reflecting on all that God has done through them. Let them know how God has used them to grow and challenge you. Affirm all that is happening that is good and biblical. Leave the problem for the leadership to handle. If appropriate, the leadership may even make your departure something of a time of blessing with prayer and testimonies. Make it a time of sweet memories, not a time of bitter mumbling.

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