Stop Raising Shy Kids

I am deeply blessed by having a host of wonderful people that live around and interact with my children. While you can hardly overstate the importance of parents, children will also be blessed and challenged and rounded out by the giftings and experiences of God’s people. I want an army of people pointing my children to Christ and providing examples of sacrificial love in great commission living.

However, amidst all the good that my children receive, I do have a request for all those who are around my children. Please don’t call them shy. And for that matter, I think it is wise to stop calling other people shy as well.

To explain this surprising request, let’s think through the distinctions between personality and behavior. Let’s tackle personality first. We all understand that God wires people differently. You have probably taken a personality test at some point and found that you align most strongly with one of the personality types described. This is just observational science. We recognize that people are born a certain way, and we often recognize it very early. Even in the first year of a person’s life, certain characteristics start rising to the surface. God, in His good wisdom, has made sure that man’s dominion over creation will be executed through different kinds of people.

But what is it about those differences that make dominion all the more expansive and successful? Within those different personalities are special strengths, unique to each personality. And strengths were the original intent. Certain personalities will do certain things really well. At this point we have crossed over into the behavior distinction. Personalities manifest themselves in behaviors. And the behaviors that bring great good and great rejoicing come from the strengths of certain personality traits. We need each other for this reason. Yet, because of the fall, those same strengths can manifest themselves as weaknesses also. Personalities wielded by sinful people will result in sinful behaviors. So now, each person lives in a constant struggle to prevent who he is from destroying who he is, and negatively impacting the people around him. Few things say “sinner” more than the self-destruction that happens when assets become liabilities.

At this point, a biblical worldview rescues us from the determinism that many secular philosophies claim. While some say you are nothing more than the chemical processes in your brain, or the nurture of your society; and that real change is not possible, the Biblical worldview says differently. Sin and death are foreign enemies that can be conquered. You were not meant to be self-destructive. While people are slaves to sin, there is a key which can unlock the shackles. But before we get there, we first have to understand that people need to feel the oppression and depravity of those shackles. We do not want them to feel comfortable with sinful behavior. God has given us commands about how to live, regardless of the personality one has. If we are living rebelliously, the worst thing that can happen is we are encouraged in it through excuse making, others’ bad examples, or by euphemistically labeling our sin.

That is what I feel people are doing when they call a child “shy.” They are not just making a general comment about personality, they are excusing sinful behavior.

Think about what a child is doing when others call him shy. It is usually not simply being quiet and reserved. Shyness is often declared when a child is hiding behind a parent, staring blankly, looking away, ignoring someone, or something similar. My friend, that is selfish sin. That child is so concerned with their own comfort and well-being they won’t even extend common courtesy. Yes, they may have a personality which is more subdued, thoughtful, and quiet, but none of that should preclude a simple “how are you today?” or “tell me about yourself.” Maybe there is some fear present. Alright, but that is clearly defined as sin also. That child needs to be confronted, instructed, and equipped. The parents will lead the way in this, but neighbors can be particularly helpful as well, since they are the training field where the child has to practice and learn. But parents and neighbors lose ground and enable sin when they simply write off the child’s selfish or fearful response with a chuckle and a title of “shy.” With that kind of title, you are making their weaknesses and personality perversions more comfortable and acceptable.

I want my children to love people. I want your children and grandchildren to love people. They each will do that differently, according to their own personality. But where sin is undercutting their love for people, those around them have to address it, or at least not laugh it off or excuse it. Just as I would have to address a child who speaks down to an adult because that child has a strong leader-like personality, so I also have to address a child with an introverted personality who is prone to withdraw and ignore people. If we excuse that or laugh it off, then we have missed an opportunity to speak to their sin. We have missed an opportunity to say, “You are not created to ignore people or separate from people.” We have missed an opportunity to say, “Jesus can save you from that. Jesus can change you to love people, and serve them, and befriend them, and do all kinds of good to them in your own quieter way which God created in you.”

Being a parent is hard. One part of the difficulty is telling children what others have said and done is not what the Bible says. I have had to tell some of my children that refusing to talk with people is not “shy,” it is sin. It is refusing to love people that God has brought into their life. I have to teach them to reach out to people, and ask about their day, and look for ways to be kind. For some children this will be a cakewalk. For other children it will be necessary to go over this again and again with instruction, Bible verses, and role playing. Whatever the case, parents are called to teach their children diligently, and that means confronting whatever weakness their particular personality serves up.

For those that interact with my children, keep up the good work. Keep explaining sin, Christ, faith and repentance. Keep applying the gospel in real life. If you slip and call them shy, don’t worry. I am not going to call you out. But if you correct yourself, and help them learn how to love people around them, you have made my job a little easier.